Chapter 12
Blair’s New Friend
That night, outside the Sabatini house, an eight-foot-tall figure rose from the bushes to gaze at the weatherboard house. They looked up at Maxx’s room with the pink light illuminating out the window. It walked toward the house and transformed into a bat flying up to the window and inside the bedroom. The bat perched on the window sill to look at Maxx passed out drunk on his new bed… that he just peed in. The bat flew in and landed on Maxx’s bed gazing at him intently for hours. The bat heard a thud and turned their head to see Keke walk past the door. The bat took the shape of Keke. Ashley yawned and grounded his eyes with his fists.
Ashley: “Keke, where are you, girl?”
They asked groggily and stopped in their tracks when they saw “Keke” in Maxx’s room. They raised an eyebrow. She’s never in here, they thought. Ashley went to retrieve her and grimaced when they saw a huge pee stain on Maxx’s bed. They drew a breath and went to pick up “Keke.” “She” didn’t greet them, butt “her” head against them, and wasn’t happy to see them.
Ashley: “K-Keke…?”
They knit their eyebrows as “Keke” wanted to sit on Maxx’s bed and stare at him. They heard Keke cry and turned around to see the real Keke. Ashley’s eyes widened. They slapped their head and sighed with relief when they knew Keke was not acting oddly. They picked up Keke who purred in their arms and stared back at the Keke doppelganger, who just stared at Maxx. Ashley scratched his head.
Ashley: “Strange… Cats don’t like him…”
They muttered and went back to their bedroom.
~
Dr. Ellis Hoffman didn’t want to leave his cushy lifestyle of working in a New Horizons Research facility in Nelsonville, Palm Tree State, USA to move overseas to Selene Valley, Australia to observe a whiny wannabe rockstar kid. Ellis was a short, fat white man with a mop of bushy dark magenta hair. He had a lantern jaw, droopy pink eyes, and his glasses hung from his bulbous nose. He was dressed in a white pressed shirt, taupe sweater vest, brown pants, and leather shoes.
He moved into a cottage-style house across from the Sabatinis to keep an eye on Maxx. His supervisor said it would do him good after the girl he was stalking put a restraining order on him. Ellis clenched his fists into tight balls and sneered that she would do that to him. He went out on the patio to watch the house with binoculars.
He lowered his binoculars to see Ashley approaching him with food. What does this fat moron want? He thought.
Ashley: “Hello, I’m your new neighbor! I’m Ashley Sabatini!”
They smiled at Ellis. Ellis forced a smile.
Ellis: “I’m Ellis Hoffman! I just moved here from Pink Top City.”
Ashley: “Oh, cool, dude, you’re an American! Is this your first time in Australia?”
They asked.
Ashley: “I made some cupcats for you!”
They handed him a tray of cupcakes with cat faces on them. Ellis wanted nothing more than to slam them in his face but he had to make a good impression to get closer to Maxx.
Ellis: “Oh, thank you, how kind of you.”
He took the tray and set it on his table.
Ellis: “It’s my first time traveling. My supervisor said leaving the country would be best for me.”
He nodded.
Ellis: “So, Ashley, is your house nut-free now?”
He asked. Ashley was taken aback by that question. They scratched their head.
Ashley: “Are you allergic to nuts?”
Ellis had his smile intact.
Ellis: “Not at all.”
Ashley: “Erm, it’s weird because everything was weird after that giant cockroach was in Maxx’s bedroom and now he’s super mean to me and survived being hit by a truck!”
He sighed.
Ashley: “I don’t want to bother you with this.”
Ellis put his hand up and switched his tape recorder on in his pocket.
Ellis: “Oh no, not at all. So Maxx developed these fast changes?”
He asked. Ashley paused and nodded.
Ashley: “It happened overnight…”
They paused again and scratched their head.
Ashley: “The night before I heard a scream and the window was smashed. Then this weird dead bug was on the floor.”
They said somberly. Ellis grimaced. So this man or woman saw that Xupran? He thought.
Ellis: “Do you know anything about Xupra?”
Ashley: “Huh?”
They gave Ellis a quizzical look. Ellis opened his mouth about to speak.
They heard a ghastly scream from Ashley’s house. Ashley heaved a deep sigh.
Ashley: “I gotta go, dude. We’ll talk later.”
They waved to Ellis and dashed back to their house. Ellis watched them and grinned.
Ellis: “Interesting…”
He shut the recorder off and examined the photo of Maxx with his bite marks.
~
Maxx was in Ashley’s room ripping apart his cat magazines.
Maxx: “YOU LAME FAT BASTARD!! YOU DESTROYED MY PLAYCAT MAGAZINES!! AHHHHHHHH!!!”
He screamed and ran out to the kitchen to grab all of Ashley’s baked goods to throw on the lawn.
Maxx: “YOU PROMISED ME MY SEX BEEST MERCH AND SEXY CLOOOOOTHES!!!”
He screamed.
Ashley: “M-Maxx?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DUDE?!”
They cried. Maxx took his Keke cookie jar and smashed it on the patio floor. Ashley’s heart shattered as they saw their Keke jar smashed into little bits. They looked at what Maxx did as tears welled in their eyes.
Maxx: “YOU PROMISED ME MY SEX BEEST MERCH, YOU DOUBLE CHIN FATTY!!”
He cried and pointed to the PlayCat magazine in the garden torn up.
Ashley: “I-I d-didn’t do that, dude! It was probably Craig! Wh-Why did you destroy my stuff?!”
They bawled.
Maxx: “You didn’t stop him, ya fatass! SOME FRIEND YOU ARE, A-RAD!”
Maxx stomped his foot repeatedly. Ashley sank to the floor sobbing.
Maxx grinned and held up Ashley’s wallet.
Maxx: “You better take me shopping, A-Rad! You owe it to me! Hurry up, ya landwhale! Get me mah sex beest clothes and merch!”
He stomped his feet. Ashley shed their tears and meekly nodded. They rose to their feet and took their wallet. They led Maxx out to escort him to their car. Ellis watched this from a distance with a grin on his face.
~
The following morning, Ashley was making breakfast in their kitchen. The kitchen had a sense of warmth with its earth tones and sunlight casting through the window. The walls were covered in a gaudy 1960s-style wallpaper pattern and the benchtops and cabinets were bright lime green. Maxx came down in nothing but his pink G-string. He yawned, scratched his ass, and let out a loud burp. He reeked of cheap wine and urine.
Ashley: “Good morning, Maxx.”
He smiled.
Maxx: “Whatever, A-Rad… Make me a Kiddie Kwisine dinner.”
He said groggily.
Ashley: “But I got pancakes! It’s my Nonna’s recipe!”
They sang. Maxx seethed at Ashley and slammed his fists on the table.
Maxx: “I WANT MY TV DINNER! YOU DON’T WANT MAXXY TO FLUSH THEM DOWN THE TOILET, DO YA?! GOSH!”
He barked. Ashley shrank into the corner and bowed their head.
Ashley: “I’d love it if you came with me to the bake sale…”
They said meekly.
Maxx: “Pfft, I ain’t got time for that, A-Rad! I have a fuckin’ hangover, ya damn fatty! Maxxy Malone is too rockin’ and rebellin’ for lame bake sales!”
He snapped. Ashley shuddered and sniffled.
Ashley: “S-Sorry, dude…”
They cried softly.
Maxx: “Keep your cryin’ down, A-Rad! I got a fuckin’ hangover! GOSH!”
He whined and threw an empty can at Ashley causing them to flinch.
Maxx pouted and looked at the Keke doppelganger.
Maxx: “What do you want, lame cat?”
He scoffed. The Keke doppelganger jumped up on the table and knocked over the hot coffee in the mug right on Maxx’s lap, which caused him to shriek.
Maxx: “YAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH!!!”
Ashley snapped out of their daze and pressed their hands against their temples.
Ashley: “MAXX! OH NO!”
They stopped cooking and knelt to Maxx.
Ashley: “I’ll get soleil vera from my garden! Mum said it was a succulent plant Sunshire grew with healing extracts and she taught me to grow it!”
Maxx sneered at Ashley and shoved them down. Ashley looked up at Maxx with tears in their eyes.
Maxx: “LOOK AT WHAT YOUR LAME CAT DID, YOU FAT ASSHOLE! NOW I NEED TO APPLY MY SEXY TAN AGAIN!!”
He shrieked and pointed his bony forefinger at the red blotch against the orange. The skin was bubbling and blistered. Ashley trembled like a leaf.
Ashley: “It wasn’t Keke! It was another cat who looked like her!”
They cried.
Maxx: “I don’t need this shit, A-Rad! The things I do for you! Now I have to do my sexy tan again! THANKS! If you care for me, then stop making me go to your lame bake sales! They’re LAAAAAME and BOOOORING! Baking is for chicks, gosh!”
He snapped and stormed off. The Keke doppelganger watched Maxx stomp off like a child while Ashley sobbed and rose to compose themself. They sopped up the coffee on the table and floor and noticed their pancakes were burnt. The Keke doppelganger followed Maxx.
He saw the door was locked and couldn’t get in. He swerved his head to make sure no one was looking. He transformed into a flea and crawled under the door crack, and when he was inside, he transformed back into the Keke doppelganger. He saw Maxx was stroking his tiny orange penis to American Pizza as if none of the events in the kitchen ever happened.
~
Blair, Sylvia, and Demetrio arrived in Selene Valley, Possum State, Australia. Blair yawned, feeling jet-lagged. He glanced down at his watch. It would be nighttime back home, so he thought Celeste was probably in bed. Blair shivered. It’s also colder here, he thought. It’s so hot back home, he added. Sylvia patted Blair’s shoulder reassuringly.
Sylvia: “Be sure to check out the sights, Blair. We don’t know when or if we will return here.”
She smiled.
Sylvia: “I heard Heathervale Lake Park is quite an exquisite sight! A lovely place for a walk or to take your date!”
She chirped.
Blair: “But I don’t have Celeste with me…”
He rubbed the back of his neck. Sylvia smiled tightly.
Sylvia: “Be sure to take pictures and plenty of souvenirs home to her, then. She would be delighted.”
Blair smiled a bit and got into the limousine asking him to drive him to Heathervale Lake Park.
~
The limousine stopped at Heathervale Park. The chauffeur handed Blair his card with his number so he could call him when he needed to be picked up. Blair thanked him and stepped out of the limousine.
Heathervale Lark Park was lush, green, and hilly with tall trees and a creek curving through it, leading to a vast lake at the bottom of the hill. There was also a huge playground consisting of swingsets, a see-saw, slides, and monkey bars. There were various picnic areas around and some stalls selling handmade jewelry, crafts, and baked goods.
Blair strolled around the park admiring the scenery and wishing Celeste was with him. He shivered and embraced himself. I wish it was summer here, too, he thought. He crossed the bridge over the lake and saw a stall selling homemade baked goods. The fat person was with their cat and they appeared dejected as if they were going to cry.
Blair froze on the spot, unsure of what to do. He hates introducing himself but this person seems like he or she needs help, maybe someone to talk to, he wondered. Blair mustered up the courage and approached the stall.
He smiled tightly and pointed to the whoopie pies and the Parisian macarons.
Blair: “I-I will take those…”
He said softly. Ashley raised their head to lock his gaze on Blair and smiled dismally.
Ashley: “Thanks! Are you from around here? I haven’t seen you around.”
They scratched their head and rose to gather the pies and cookies. Blair shook his head.
Blair: “No, I arrived here today with my grandfather and a family friend. I’m from the US—Pink Top City.”
He replied genially. He handed Ashley the banknotes.
Ashley: “Is this your first time in Australia?”
They asked. Blair nodded and smiled.
Blair: “Yes, it is. It’s so cold here… Back in Pink Top City, it’s hot and we’re in our autumn.”
He said softly and pressed his forefinger to his chin.
Blair: “I think it’s like ninety-five degrees back in Pink Top City.”
Ashley’s eyes grew like saucers.
Ashley: “WOW, that is super hot!”
Blair laughed awkwardly.
Blair: “Is it? I didn’t think it was. It’s not hot like The Grand Canyon State! It goes up to one-hundred and fourteen degrees.”
He exclaimed and paused when he saw Ashley’s mouth ajar.
Blair: “Oh, we use the imperial system back home. I’m not accustomed to the metric system. I think it’s like twenty-five degrees…”
He raised his head as if he were reading imaginary numbers. He then laughed and rubbed the back of his neck.
Blair: “S-Sorry for rambling! I am not a math genius! That would be Sylvia!”
Ashley smiled and enjoyed Blair’s company so far. It was different from how Maxx treated them.
Ashley: “It’s cool, dude! That’s like our summers! I’m Ashley Sabatini, by the way! And this is my side-kit, Keke!”
Keke mewed and pawed at Ashley. They shot their hand out. Blair smiled tightly and shook it.
Blair: “I’m Blair Donati. Nice to meet you, Ashley.”
He released their hand as Ashley placed his purchases in a bag.
Ashley: “Same to you.”
They smiled but looked at Blair with pleading eyes. Blair paused and gazed at Ashley.
Blair: “I don’t mean to be rude but are you a man or a woman?”
He asked them. Ashley smiled at him.
Ashley: “Oh, I don’t see myself as either, but I also see myself as both! If that makes sense?”
They explained.
Blair: “Okay, that makes sense. My mentor is also like this but she prefers to be addressed with feminine pronouns.”
He nodded.
Ashley: “Oh? There are others like me?”
They smiled a bit, comforted to know this. Blair nodded.
Blair: “Yes, of course!”
Blair: “Is something troubling you?”
He finally asked. Ashley pursed their lips and tried not to cry.
Ashley: “N-No, I am fine.”
Blair frowned.
Blair: “I actually approached you because you look like you need a friend.”
Ashley bowed their head and heaved a deep sigh.
Ashley: “Am I that obvious?”
They asked as their voice trembled. Blair nodded soberly. Ashley drew another long breath and scratched their head.
Ashley: “So do you have any plans? I can take you back to my place and make you dinner.”
They offered.
Ashley: “I am making shrimp fettuccine alfredo! It’s my nonna’s recipe!”
They added. Blair smiled widely.
Blair: “Nothing beats your grandmother’s cooking. I’m Italian, too. I miss my grandmother’s food… and I miss her.”
He smiled wistfully as he spoke of her. Ashley placed their hand on Blair’s shoulder.
Ashley: “She’s watching over you, dude. All spirts that pass on flow in the sun stream of the sun goddess! My Nonna is watching over Blake and me from her sun stream!”
They offered. Blair smiled and nodded.
Blair: “You’re right, Ashley.”
Blair helped Ashley pack up their stall and carried it out to his Kingswood Stationwagon.
Blair: “WOW, your car is huge!”
Ashley beamed at his compliment.
Ashley: “Thanks, dude! What car do you drive?”
They asked as they climbed into the driver’s seat with Blair sitting on the passenger’s side.
Blair: “I drive a 1987 red Subaru XT.”
He replied and fastened his seatbelt.
Ashley: “That’s awesome!”
~
They arrived at Ashley’s and Blake’s house. Ashley was anxious Maxx was going to be there and throw a tantrum but, to his relief, he was not. He sat at the table peeling and deveining the shrimp with his paring knife.
Blair: “You seemed anxious to come home. Do you not have a good relationship with your family?”
He asked with concern as he sat by Ashley and rested his head on his palms. Ashley tightened their jaw and grimaced.
Ashley: “It’s not that…”
They knit their eyebrows and shifted their eyes.
Ashley: “...It’s my best friend.”
They said with strain and set down the paring knife. Blair’s eyebrows rose surprisingly.
Blair: “Best friend…?”
Ashley nodded slowly.
Ashley: “His name is Maxx Malone… I don’t know, dude. He’s my best friend but I wonder a lot about him… nothing he tells me makes sense.”
They sighed and wiped the shrimp residue off their fingers with a paper towel.
Ashley: “When me and Blake left Golden Shore after our house burned, we came here, and picked up this hitchhiker. He said he was from Angel City and had a band named Sex Beest. He said his bandmates were missing. I was new here and I had no one and he was someone… He was human contact.”
They began.
Blair: “Sex Beest?”
Blair cocked an eyebrow.
Blair: “That’s a band? I never heard of it.”
Ashley sank in their seat, dreading the worst.
Ashley: “He says it’s underground.”
They muttered.
Blair shrugged.
Blair: “Angel City is on the west coast; I don’t know anyone from there or come from there. But missing bandmates? Did you go to the police?”
He asked with skepticism in his tone. Ashley heaved another sigh.
Ashley: “I didn’t, no but Maxx did and he said they weren’t of any help.”
He replied. Blair twisted his mouth.
Blair: “...Was this ever in the news? Do you know what they look like?”
Ashley: “No and no!”
They blurted.
Ashley: “He tells me he gets laid every night but he never brings anyone home! He’s enemies with Nuklear Intoxikation because they’re jealous but Makayla said I don’t understand! What don’t I understand?! Why won’t anyone tell me anything?!”
They cried and buried their hands in their face. Blair gave them a sympathetic look and patted their back.
Blair: “Take your time…”
He said gently.
Ashley: “Then… something weird happened… A giant cockroach was dead in Maxx’s room and these men in hazmat suits came in to take everything away with the cockroach and Maxx is suddenly survived being hit by a truck!”
He exclaimed, looking at Blair for reassurance. Blair gaped at him.
Blair: “He was hit by a giant truck and survived?”
Ashley: “It doesn’t make any sense!”
He heaved a deep sigh and continued.
Ashley: “Okay, so I could get the lying about himself to seem cooler, but he treats me badly! He never takes an interest in anything I do! He destroys my stuff, calls me fat and ugly, makes me feel bad, and turns the argument on me and I am always apologizing! I had this girl I liked and he says I stole her from him! But I saw a picture of her with some man in Pink Top City and she never wanted me! Sometimes I wonder if he’s right because I am fat!”
They sobbed into their hands. Blair sighed and hugged them. Ashley returned the hug. Blake stood on the other side of the kitchen listening on and clenching his fist.
Blair: “Ashley…, I know you’ve been there for Maxx, but… you’ve done more than your share. I can’t advise about the cockroach or the bandmates but I can tell you that this is a one-sided friendship and maybe you should cut your losses.”
He said gently and reassuringly. Ashley shut their eyes tightly.
Ashley: “But who will he have?”
Blair: “You can’t let him sink you to his level.”
He added. Ashley sighed. They knew deep down Blair was right but it was hard and they did feel sorry for Maxx. Blair released Ashley and smiled at them.
Blair: “I can’t tell you what to do. I can suggest something but the onus is on you.”
He smiled and Ashley nodded and grounded their eyes with their fists.
Blair: “...For now, why don’t you focus on your goals? What are those?”
He tilted his head.
Ashley: “Maxx said it was stupid but… I’d like to open a cat café!”
They finally smiled.
Blair: “Oh, that would be lovely! I love cats!”
He gasped as his eyes glittered.
Blair: “I have three of my own! Their names are Fred, Samson, and Lucifer!”
He rose, fished his wallet out of his back pocket, and showed Ashley the pictures of a black cat, a Siamese cat, and a tuxedo kitten. Ashley’s blue eyes sparkled as they cupped their mouth gasping with delight.
Ashley: “Awwww, look at those little bambinos!”
They squealed. Blair beamed and nodded.
~
After they ate, Blair thanked Ashley for the delicious meal and helped him with the dishes.
Ashley: “So you asked me about my goals. What about you? What are your goals? Do you have someone you like?”
Blair gaped owlishly at him. No one has ever asked me that before, he thought.
Blair: “M-My goals…?”
He shifted his eyes.
Blair: “I-I don’t know… My grandfather wants me to run his company someday but I have my own goals… I want to open a cat park… I want to ban declawing cats all over the world… and I’d love to draw comics and write my own novel. I am working on a sci-fi novel.”
He smiled shyly. He thought about what a bad friend Maxx is and he thought Yoshi wasn’t the greatest but he had nothing on Maxx.
Blair: “A-A-As for someone I like…, I do. She’s back in the US. N-Nothing happened like with you and M-Makayla!”
He waved his hands frantically as if he were warded off flies. He then lowered his head and rubbed the back of his neck. Celeste never flirted with him and avoided him, but he didn’t want to dump that on Ashley after dealing with their shitty friend.
Ashley: “A handsome dude like you should have no trouble at all!”
They gave him a thumbs up. Blair smiled solemnly.
Blair: “...And neither should you. Don’t let Maxx’s words get to you.”
He said firmly but gently. Ashley nodded. Easier said than done, they thought.
~
Ashley dropped Blair off at Selene Comics and Collectibles.
Blair: “Thanks for today, Ashley. I had fun.”
He smiled, wrote something down on a scrap of paper, and handed it to Ashley. Ashley took it and smiled like the Cheshire Cat.
Blair: “That’s my phone number and address. Call me and write me sometime. Don’t be a stranger.”
He smiled warmly. Ashley nodded.
Ashley: “Of course not, dude! I had a blast!”
Blair: “I’m going back to the US tomorrow…”
He bowed his head.
Blair: “I hope we meet again and, when we do, you’ll hopefully be free of Maxx.”
He smiled tightly. Ashley swallowed that lump in their throat. Is that what I want? They pondered. Blair waved as he entered the comic shop and Ashley had that void in them again.
~
That night, Ashley went frantically looking for something. Blake lay on the couch smoking and reading a book.
Blake: “Looking for something?”
Ashley knit their eyebrows.
Ashley: “The poncho! My favorite poncho mum gave me before… they disappeared. It’s gone!”
They said frantically. Blake set his book down and rose.
Blake: “It can’t be far, Ashley. You last wore it when you had your friend out.”
Ashley: “You knew Blair was here?”
They asked. Blake nodded.
Blake: “Yes. Look, let’s find your poncho.”
He wandered down the corridor looking for it.
Blake: “Did you leave it in the car?”
He asked.
Ashley pursed their lips and was about to reply until Maxx exited the bathroom scratching his ass.
Maxx: “We need toilet paper, cool catz!”
He drawled. Blake glowered at Maxx and pointed his forefinger at the cabinet under the sink.
Blake: “If you would kindly open the doors and look, you would find it. It’s not going to jump out at you.”
He said sharply.
Ashley looked in the bathroom and their heart sank at what they saw.
Ashley: “NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
They pressed their hands against their temples and cried. Blake quirked an eyebrow and looked inside the bathroom. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. Not only was the tub stained with orange tan lotion smears but feces and fake tan covered Ashley’s poncho. Maxx laughed and shrugged.
Maxx: “I needed something to wipe my ass, A-Rad.”
Ashley: “THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY MUM BEFORE THEY DISAPPEARED!!”
They bawled through hot tears.
Maxx: “Pfftt, get another one, A-Rad! Why are you crying over that? It’s just a dumb rag! I also blew my nose in it! Ya gotta do something about those lame cats!”
Ashley felt as if a knife pierced Their heart. Before they could react, Blake grabbed Maxx’s head and put it through the wall.
Maxx: “OOWWWWWWHHH!!!”
He cried.
Blake: “By the end of the week, your ass is grass, fuckhead.”
He snapped and left Maxx in the hallway with his head stuck in the wall. The Keke doppelganger gaped up at Maxx staring at him.
~
Ashley wore their cat bandana over their nose and burnt their incense and sage sticks as they tried to clear out the smell and Maxx’s negative energy away as they cleaned the bathroom. They sobbed, pondering on the monster Maxx had become as they scrubbed the orange tan off the walls. Ever since that strange cockroach encounter everything changed. They wondered if it had anything to do with this. They gathered up every soap and essential oil in the house and filled the bathtub with it. They threw in their beloved poncho and sobbed as they thought of how their mother held them in her arms and the night she gave it to them and disappeared. Ashley sighed and stared down at the sun tattoo on their thumb and stroked it.
Hours later, after several washes, Ashley emerged from the bathroom with the poncho. They finally managed to get Maxx’s smell and the stains out and it now smelled of patchouli, but nothing like before. They broke down when they could no longer smell her sweet scent on it anymore. Now it was just another poncho and just a “dumb rag” as Maxx had said before.
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